Tuesday, November 4, 2008

The Dream

I say the dream, but maybe I should say nightmare. When I was a little girl there were a number of times I had a recurring dream. It had no people or places really. The best way to describe it is falling dominoes. Ya know how you set them up and knock one over and the rest follow suit. That's all it was was never ending dominoes falling, falling, falling down. I would wake up sobbing hysterically. It's been years, even decades since those dreams. But every once in awhile it will enter my mind and wonder what it meant. And I always come back to the same thing. Having things out of my control and having things in life be out of control. And everything will just seem to be falling down. I think I've finally hit that point in life. A baby, a 2 1/2 year old, a 5 year old girl going on 13, and my oldest who is special needs, who's most recent school psych evaluation diagnosis is mental retardation. All brewed together, it makes for more than I can have control over like I need to have to feel at ease. And so I try to hold it all. But what happens when we try to hold it all is one or more things drop. You pick one up and another one falls. So here is my attempt to pick up all the pieces one by one and arise victorious in managing a new phase in life. Here is my place to put thoughts into words. Somehow that's always been a challenge; to vocalize my thoughts. So for all those inquiring minds who always want to know what's in my head, including my husband, here it is...
This is a record of our families ups and downs. We all have them. Up one day, down the next. And generally we have them simutaneously... which certainly is my case even today.